Earth Report (from an Alien): Deeply Flawed but Highly Entertaining

Filed by Galactic Observer, Xylo-Flylo 👽
Mission: First Contact Reconnaissance
Location: “Earth” (705-349-005/23-48H)
Stardate: 3.000.215:88:10

Greetings, Supreme Council of the Intergalactic Observation Alliance,

After extensive study of the species known as “humans,” I am submitting my report. Earth is a fascinating, absurd, and wildly unpredictable planet. While their technology remains primitive, their behaviours are highly advanced in the art of self-inflicted suffering.

I attempted to make direct contact to better understand what it’s like to be human, but my efforts were met with screaming, frantic arm-waving, and cries for their parental figures. At first, I assumed they were experiencing severe distress—perhaps hunger or dehydration. As it turns out, they were simply terrified of me.

The irony? I was the one who felt like screaming.

Needless to say, I quickly abandoned all plans of personal interaction and opted for a safer method—observing from a very, very safe distance.

Here are six baffling phenomena that define humanity:

1. Boxing: Voluntary Brain Damage for Entertainment

One of humanity’s most cherished activities is a practice known as “sport”, in which they gather in large arenas to watch their fellow humans engage in controlled combat. The most peculiar of these is called “boxing”, a competition where two humans voluntarily stand inside a square-shaped enclosure and punch each other in the face while others watch and cheer.

I initially assumed this was a legal dispute resolution method, as it resembles a primitive form of court trial—but no, this is purely for entertainment. The objective appears to be:

1. To inflict as much cranial trauma as possible.
2. To receive a shiny belt—which, oddly enough, is not even used to hold up pants.

Even more perplexing: The loser often earns almost as much paper (or “money”) as the winner, suggesting that human suffering is a marketable commodity.

They also enjoy kicking spherical objects into rectangular nets, throwing orange spheres through hoops, and chasing a tiny black disc on ice while wearing knives on their feet.

Supreme Council, what the actual nebula is going on here?

2. Dating: A Complex Game of Deception

The human process of “dating” is a curious and deceptive ritual wherein two individuals attempt to impress each other by pretending to be better versions of themselves.

The process often involves one human spending excessive amounts of money on food for the other, despite the fact that both individuals are perfectly capable of feeding themselves. They exchange scripted pleasantries while concealing critical information, such as their actual personality, beliefs, and any long-term emotional instability.

If the deception is successful, they agree to continue interacting exclusively until one party grows tired of the arrangement and vanishes into the abyss of “it’s not you, it’s me.”

Strangely, despite the stress, emotional damage, and financial drain caused by dating, humans insist on repeating this cycle indefinitely.

3. Sports Fans: Worshipping Strangers Who Don’t Know They Exist

In many regions of Earth, large groups of humans gather to scream, cry, and occasionally throw furniture in honor of athletic competitions played by other humans.

This is particularly baffling because the spectators are not playing the game themselves, yet they experience emotions as if they were. They paint their bodies, wear expensive garments bearing another person’s name, and chant strange slogans at their glowing rectangles (“televisions”).

If their favored team wins, they weep with joy. If their team loses, they weep with despair. Either way, they return the following week to repeat the cycle.

Even more confusing, these humans believe they are “part of the team” despite having never interacted with the actual players. The players, who are paid exorbitant amounts of “money” for running around in circles, remain blissfully unaware that their actions determine whether thousands of humans will have a good day or spiral into existential despair.

4. Alarm Clocks: The Device That Yells at Them for Being Alive

Humans have invented a device that violently interrupts their sleep every morning, forcing them to awaken in distress. This device, known as an “alarm clock,” emits loud, shrieking sounds, seemingly designed by their worst enemies.

Rather than abolishing this obvious instrument of torture, humans have fully accepted it as a necessity. In fact, many set multiple alarms, ensuring that their suffering is prolonged in snooze-induced intervals.

Once awake, they consume large quantities of a brown liquid called “coffee,” a legal drug that undoes the damage caused by the alarm clock. This raises the question: why create the problem in the first place?

5. Vacations: Exhausting Themselves to Recover from Exhaustion

Humans devote the majority of their existence to something called “work,” which they universally dislike, yet tolerate for the sake of earning “money.” This money is then saved up so that once a year, they can temporarily escape from their miserable existence—a process they call “taking a vacation.”

The vacation itself, however, is rarely restful. Instead of recovering from the exhaustion of work, humans wake up early, engage in frantic sightseeing, and spend a fortune to be surrounded by other stressed-out tourists doing the exact same thing.

When they return, they are more exhausted than before. Yet, strangely, instead of re-evaluating their life choices, they begin saving money to repeat the process.

6. The Running of the Bulls: Voluntary Death Chase for Fun

In one particular human settlement, there is an event in which humans voluntarily run in front of large, angry creatures with horns, knowing full well that these creatures will attempt to impale them.

This event, called “The Running of the Bulls,” is considered a cultural tradition, despite the fact that every year, many humans are seriously injured or worse. What makes this even more absurd is that when a human is gored by the bull, the other humans act surprised—as if the outcome was not entirely predictable.

Even more baffling: this is not a punishment. The participants are not criminals or enemies of the state. They simply choose to do this. For fun.

For reference, this would be the equivalent of our species hosting an annual “Dodge the Meteor” festival, where participants attempt to outrun a falling space rock.

Supreme Council, their insatiable pursuit for self-harm is REAL and abundant!

Final Conclusions: Is Earth Doomed or Delightful?

Despite their illogical behaviours and self-inflicted suffering, humans remain one of the most entertaining species I have ever encountered. They are deeply flawed, yet astonishingly persistent. Their willingness to endure pain, humiliation, and exhaustion—all while calling it “fun”—is truly remarkable.

Final Verdict: Official Galactic Ratings for Planet Earth

Final Verdict:

• Would I visit Earth again? If you hate me and only from a safe distance.
• Are they doomed? Not entirely, but they’re giving it a red-hot go.
• Should we care about them? They seem to thrive in their own chaos—who are we to interfere?
• Should we help them? And risk losing this gold-tier entertainment forever? Absolutely not.
• Would I recommend intergalactic contact? Not yet. Let’s wait until they stop voluntarily running in front of deadly animals for fun.

End of report.